I’ve gone back and forth about writing this.
Part of me wanted to wait until I had answers. A diagnosis. A neat little ending where I could say, “This is what it was, and this is how I got through it.”
But that’s not my reality. Right now, I’m living in the middle of the story.
For the past few months, I’ve been navigating something I don’t fully understand. I’ve had appointments, tests, scans, and more questions than answers. Every time I think I’m getting closer, I leave with another “everything looks normal.” And while I’m grateful for that, it doesn’t change the fact that I don’t feel like myself. Living with chronic pain is strange. Not because it’s constant, but because it’s unpredictable.
Some days I feel almost normal. Other days, my body reminds me that something isn’t right.
The hardest part isn’t the pain itself. You wake up every day wondering how your body will feel. It’s making plans and hoping you don’t have to cancel. It’s trying to explain something you don’t even understand yourself.
It’s wanting to be the same version of yourself that everyone expects, while quietly adjusting to a body that has different plans.
If you’ve followed me for a while, you know this isn’t my first health battle. I’ve shared my journey with PCOS. I’ve shared my journey with alopecia. I’ve shared pieces of learning to love myself through things I never asked for. This chapter feels different because there isn’t a name for it. At least not yet. I’ve realized how much of our peace can become attached to having answers. We think if we can just find out what’s wrong, we’ll finally be able to move forward. But what if healing isn’t just about finding a diagnosis? What if part of healing is learning how to keep living while you’re still searching?
That’s where I am. I’m learning to celebrate the good days without fearing the bad ones. I’m learning to listen to my body instead of being frustrated with it. I’m learning that resting isn’t quitting. I’m learning that asking for help doesn’t make me weak. Most importantly, I’m learning that my life doesn’t have to stop while I wait for answers.
Some days it looks like going to work. Some days it looks like Pilates. Some days, it looks like saying no and permitting myself to rest. None of it is easy. But all of it is real. I don’t know where this journey is going. I don’t know what the next appointment will bring or if the answers will come next week or next year. But what I do know is I’ve survived uncertainty before. And if you’re reading this while carrying something no one else can see…whether it’s chronic pain, grief, anxiety, or simply the weight of not knowing, I do hope you know you’re not alone at all.
We don’t always get answers when we want them. But we can still choose hope. We can still choose joy where we find it. And we can still choose to keep living, one day at a time.
If you’ve ever found yourself in a season of waiting for answers, healing, or simply a little peace, I hope you’ll share your story to encourage someone. Sometimes the greatest comfort comes from realizing someone else understands.
-Your Favorite BaldHeaded Beauty